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September 01, 2005 - 2:46 pm

Yesterday I had to head to the mall to see my eye doctor. I was out of contact lenses, and it was about time to expel the money from my pockets with a fury unseen by man, hence the mall.

After my appointment I had some time to waste before meeting up with Karen for lunch, so I decided to reap the benefits of back to school times and see what kind of teacher clothes I could acquire with the help of current sales. Unfortunately, I had forgotten what it was like to shop in a store where the "sales associates" were as concerned with sales as they were with putting rogue clothes back on their respective racks.

Let's just say that my ill-fated trip to Victoria's secret involved two employees, headsets, interceptions, and making me as uncomfortable as possible. Thank YOU, VS.

Even more awesome was my venture into Express, where I hoped to find some teacheryslacks. Unfortuantely, I had been under the impression that I was somewhere in real life, and not somewhere in an alternate dimension that re-enacted scenes from Pretty Woman at the local mall. Upon entering I was accosted by a headset-toting sales rep:

Headsethead: Can I help you find anything today?
Megan: Actually, I'm just looking right now.
Headsethead: Well, these are actually our more work-type clothes. We are having a sale right now with these items but I think you might be more interested in our correspondent pants. They're curvier and perhaps more what you're looking for. I hink that with the Editor pants you might have some bunching problems in the back. They're right over there under the "sale" sign.
Megan: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT!?!?!???!!

Okay, so I didn't yell at her. However, I thought it totally sweet that she managed to tell me that I was not only too fat for the pants I was checking out, but also too poor. Sweet. I hope she dies.

Movie solution: I tell my high-powered john (Richard Gere), who returns to the store with his huge credit cards and makes the bitch regret treating me that way.

Reality: I obviously look like someone who has no idea what they're doing in a clothing store.



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