April 28, 2004 - 10:16 pm
Before I start this I just want to note that today was a good day. In spite of the nagging feeling that I'm going to fuck up really badly very soon, I somehow avoided disaster, and spent the hours of my day in a calm, peaceful, relaxing, enjoyable -albeit unproductive- way. The weather was so nice that I was able to wear the most comfortable clothes possible and still be warm. Hell, I even managed a small sunburn helping Jeff with his yard. There is very little that I would change if given the power to revise my day.
But sometimes, just sometimes, when I'm alone or drunk or what have you, I start thinking too much. This whole "thinking too much" thing is no rarity-I do it everyday-but sometimes it gets to be very strange and I walk the very fine line between poetry and self-destruction.
Tonight I was driving home and I had to actively fight the urge to get on the freeway and just head north. I think I wanted to go to Brighton, to the mill pond. If I had a sweater with me, I might even have done it. I just didn't want to stop driving and thinking and mulling things over in my head and feeling low and high at the same time.
There's just so much contradiction in my thoughts right now. Part of me wants to crawl into bed and surround myself with books and study study study until my exam tomorrow morning, while another part wants to get back in my car and drive until I run out of gas, then just sit on my hood until it gets too cold or a police officer nicely asks me to move it. Similarly, I am really glad Stacey isn't home, because I really want to be alone. On the other hand, part of me really wants to talk to someone, and I really wish my phone would ring. Even if it did, though, I'm not sure if I'd answer it-
Is this making any sense to you? Because it sure doesn't sit right with me.
-but maybe I would. Or maybe I'll pull out my little black book and flip through it until I find someone to drive with me to feed the ducks.
15 minutes later: I've made up my mind. I'm going to go running, THEN study. For all of you out there cheering for my studious side, this is the best I can do...I'll suck it up tomorrow when I have the exam in front of me.
