April 22, 2003 - 10:33 am
I R a big dumb idiot.
OR I'm just completely blown out on school right now.
Either way, I really fucked myself yesterday, on purpose, while completely aware of the consequences of my actions. At a time when I'm constantly wishing I could somehow make things easier on myself, instead I make things much harder by screwing off when I think my brain needs it. Well, it might, but my GPA doesn't. I R suck.
So yesterday when Lauren asked if I wanted to go to Ashley's with her to celebrate her success w/statistics, I justified it by reminding myself that it was dinner time. That's fine. Except that we sat there for two hours BEFORE Mike showed up, and then instead of leaving, we sat around for another two hours. So yeah, I wasted a fuckuva lotta time last night that I should have spent up to my ass in Chinese history.
In the end, I had one more of the many good good talks Haney and I have shared recently. That's always good news. Still, it was not a good idea to be do cavalier about fuckign off.
Also...
Went to the Dentist yesterday...quote I don't get to use NEARLY enough: "Clearly, I need to pay more attention to my vagina."
Also...I'd like to remind the rest of the human race (or at least those who read this) about one of my top five pet peeves...Lying to/misleading me. It's recently become blatantly clear that my roommate is bullshitting me openly about shit in her life, probably because she fears I'll lose respect for her if I find out. Well...yeah. That's just the result of doing things other people don't agree with, they might have an opinion. But so fucking what? It's not gonna change her life or anything. I'm not going to make her painfully aware of my opinions or rub her nose in anything. It reminds me of when I was in high school and my younger brother would steal my stuff and justify it when caught with "If I had asked you, you would have said no."
The fact is not everything you do in your life will be completely cool with others...and from time to time, one of your loved ones may wring their hands over it a bit...but it's still your life, right? So if they've got any sense of decency, they'll let you make your mistakes/have your successes and keep their damned mouth shut. If you fear their opinion so much that you are willing to deceive them, maybe it's something you shouldn't have done in the first place...or maybe you need to stop caring so much about what others think.
One way or another, I'm not a fucking idiot, and I would rather hear the truth no matter what, than to have someone outright bullshit me. I mean, sure, I can see not going out of your way to tell someone something, like waiting until they ask, even if you're pretty sure they never will. I think everyone has done that at some point in time, and hell, I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to take special pains to mention shit they don't want to talk about...but if it comes up, come fucking clean, Christ. Respect can be regained a lot easier than trust. I hate being unable to trust people.
Why do people suck!?!
