January 10, 2003 - 10:18 am
So, yesterday wasn't the best of days.
The only thing that prolly turned out right was my plan for the evening, and even that was delayed by hours, and tainted by my horrible mood.
But, let's not talk about all of the stupid bad shit that happened, let's talk about the good...then the really bad, because this is how my evening was.
For the good, hung out with Jameson and all was platonic though affectionate, my definition of pleasant and stress free. This is good because, although I find myself still very attracted to him, and kinda wanting to snuggle with him like nothing ever happened, I'm know that starting something up is on the list of worst possible things to do right now, even talking about such prospects could have been a bit of a buzzkiller for this whole blissful new friendship thing. On the other hand, I was feeling really low last night, and the last thing my feelings of self worth needed (especially since my need to be held was downright INFLAMED at the time) was to realize that this person that still kinda makes my pants flutter was so over me a hug was out of the question.
Is that wrong? I mean, to want someone, and want them to kinda want you, but at the same time, to want both of you to just suck it up and deal, to go on with your respective lives until a better time emerges?
Well, if so, I'm a horrible person. There were a few times in the night when I sensed that I could have made a move, gotten things rolling again if I'd felt like exploiting my own vulnerability and his kindness, but I kept to myself. My intuition was proved right when a fake-out hug (you know, when you go in on one side, then realize your faces are about to collide, so you switch at the last minute) led him to ask me if I'd intended to kiss him. Although I hadn't, he informed me that it "wouldn't have been a bad thing." That was nice to hear, especially then. I kinda joked it off, and all went well with the rest of the eve. We talked about what we missed about each other, and later in the evening he told me he considered me "beautiful." Man, I needed that. Note to self: he deserved a hug for that. Fix that someday.
We met w/Karen, Tabi and others for a wonderful (! And I do mean wonderful) few hours of the poetry game (another note to self: Invite the other Megan along for these goodtimes someday, she'd be a hoot!) and in the presence of three of the most complimentary cohorts I know (named above) I started to feel a bit better. Although I opted out of playing at first, after one round and a doodle or two (bananas as heads + cartoons speaking French = panacea) I found myself scrawling on scrap paper and sharing my creativity with others. There's something really lifting about making something that is celebrated by others. I recommend this game to anyone dealing w/writer's insecurity. I know there is little more flattering than Karen McCarthy, poetess supreme, staring at you in awe while you read your piece. Yay me.
And then, you know, bad things happen, darkness descends (Yeah, go see Adaptation NOW!). Actually, this was before I went out and had the better part of my evening. In fact, this is why I needed flattery, hugs, and good people so badly last night. You see, about a year or so ago, Jeff and Stacey had this odd turn in their relationship. He went from dumping her every now and again and being relatively jerky to her to being downright clingy. When he mentioned her moving in with him, I worried. Still, Stacey assured me that she liked her autonomy, saw him enough anyhow, and intended to live with me until we both graduated.
This would have worked out well.
A few months ago, Mike mentioned to me that Jeff had asked Stacey again, but she hadn't told him what her answer was. Last night, when she got home, she decided to tell me. Although (THANK GOD) she is not moving out any time soon, Stacey Jane will not be signing our lease next fall. She's moving in with Jeff.
These are the reasons I feel I shouldn't necessarily be very angry with her:
- They've been dating long enough, she really has no reason NOT to want to date him. In fact, the only person that loses in this situation is me, and I can't really expect others to act with MY best interests at highest priority.
- She DID give me almost 7 months notice, which should be very helpful in dealing with at least some of my issues about this.
While I feel I'm being a bit selfish about this, I must submit my reasons for not taking this with a smile:
- First off, Stacey is my best friend. One thing I know about Stacey is that she does not make a whole lotta time for her friends while work/school/Jeff are so demanding (ie always). I ask her time and time again to come our with us, and each time she declines, but I let it go because I know that I see her more than anyone else that she doesn't work/school/sleep with. With her going to different school and living in Bellville, and remembering how things were when we was in a relationship and NOT living with me, I believe it's perfectly wise of me to anticipate a complete lack of Stacey from August until...who knows when.
- Stacey is an almost ideal roommate for me. There are many things Stacey has that I'd be completely gambling on with a random roommate, and am really NOT going to find in any friend I have (at least, not all together). She has a steady job, always makes rent. She doesn't make drastic life choices that could possibly lead to her just cutting out on a lease and leaving me with rent I can't pay (see: "Homeless"). I like how we don't worry about exact dollar amounts, we just cover each other back and forth until we're pretty sure we're even. I like how she's domestic enough to decorate the house with me during the holidays, and eat the food I bake, even if it tastes like poop. For these and a million other reasons, I'm almost sure to be trading down when I find a new roommate.
- Lastly, most practically, and not quite as importantly: I can't afford this. Even if I can find someone to move into my place and cover her half of the bills, we have so much shit that is "ours." Our furniture (pretty much all of it), kitchenwares, etc. is almost all stuff we went in on, meaning that even if I get a generous portion of things, she WILL take some of it, and no matter what it is, I'm sure that it's more than I can afford to replace. For example, the computer is fully hers. She WILL take it because her dad bought it for her. Of course, when he did, we sold the other one (which I held some claim on). So, even if by some miracle she left me everything, I still need to buy a new computer. I might have 7 months to save up, but need I remind you how little I make, and how much less it's going to become when I cut my hours to accommodate classes this semester? Yeah, saving up isn't going to get me very far.
So, yeah, that was a rant. I'm really kinda stuck on this. I have no idea how much of these feelings are justified, or what I should do about her/them. Anyone with particular wisdom, insight, or who wishes to gimme a "you're a jerk, lighten up" or a "you're SO justified, man!" can send me an email or something. I could prolly benefit from something like that.
Wow, this was a long entry.
