May 17, 2003 - 9:19 am
Here's a phrase that always makes me smile: "...laughing his (or her) fool head off!"
Seriously, it's also making one of my nipples hard. Wait...*checks*...nevermind.
I decided last night that it was incredibly necessary for me to spend my evening alone.
It occurred to me moments after I committed to lunch with a friend that I had absolutely no desire to interact with others that day. In fact, I was dreading the idea of holding a conversation. Of course, once I got there it wasn't that bad at all. I just felt like a shitty companion, drifting off mid-sentence, staring out the window, generally happy to just sit there in silence. After lunch I went to Borders on my way back to the office.
As I toyed with the idea of buying my newfound discomfort away with new books I didn't have time to read, I realized that it wasn't necessarily a need to be isolated, but more of a dread of personal interaction. I was quite happy walking around, observing the crowd on the street and in this bookstore, or doing my work in my office while my coworkers milled about, but the idea of spending my evening with friends, watching movies, getting dinner, or doing any of the other things we normally do on Friday night...well, it just seemed like a nightmare.
So I spent the evening on my couch, watching television, painting my toenails (something I haven't done in a fuckuva long time), etc. I had some homework to do, anyhow, as my Sunday has already been promised away. I went to bed shortly after midnight. Fuck all y'all, I was tired.
When I woke up this morning, I interrupted one fuckall of a dream. I'll spare you the abstract sensations and the strange details, but what's important is that in the dream, numerous people I am not currently on splendid terms with just decided that everything was alright and re-entered my life. It gave me a very warm, everything's-gonna-be-alright kinda feeling. To contrast, by the end of my dream I was trying to get back to these people but various perils (most specifically the war going on around me) kept me from ever getting there.
I'd be fooling myself if I tried to believe that this newfound misanthropy of mine DOESN'T have anything to do with what was in my dream. Hell, if I hadn't had it, I might have awoken feeling okay today, but since my alarm cut my dream right open, I woke up thinking of it, and I realized the harsh contrast between the good things in the musings of my subconscious, and the reality my brain was adjusting to at that moment. I can't remember the last time I'd felt that lonely.
So...yeah, definitely not sure what I should do about it. I have to work @ Lauren's today, and I'm really considering going there as early as possible to increase my chances of finishing while she's still asleep. Though I'm absolutely sure I am NOT cool enough to get out of there before she wakes up, the more I could do without having to hold a conversation, the better off I'll be. Similarly, I intend to leave my apartment before Stacey gets home, in order to avoid chit chat with her.
This odd new social anxiety of mine is going to really fuck with me after a while, I'm sure of that. Unfortunately, I have no clue how to put myself more at ease. Maybe spending tonight at home, too, will help. Hell, I had homework to do, so that was my plan anyway...As I type this, I can hear myself calling Brad to cancel tomorrow's plans. Where a part of me wants to kick my own ass right now (First, I really want to go, second, I fucking promised I would...this is getting ridiculous), another part of me is absolutely sure I will if I still feel like this tomorrow. Then again, maybe if I can free up a whole day without homework, I'll run out of shit to do and get lonely, and all of this will evaporate.
Then again, the last time I felt this uncomfortable with people, it lasted well over a month. *sadness*
So, that was fun kids! Tune in next time to see what I can pull out of my "Bag O' Melancholic Mood Breakers!"
