March 05, 2005 - 12:58 am
I decided today that my Rock Meter was way low, so I announced in front of God and most of my coworkers my plan of action:
"You know what, guys? I think I'm going to personally dedicate this evening to rocking out."
For the rest of setup we sang the beginning lines and chorus of Twisted Sister's "I Wanna Rock!" Good times were had by all.
Speaking of good times, Cali-forn-I-A was as fantabulous as any place with spring weather in February should be. We didn't do many things of note; we mostly just drove around, got stuck in traffic jams, and generally wasted time and money for a few days, but hell, I'd have spent those days in a bum's asshole as long as the weather was nice.
Anyhow, I'm back in Michigan, and back on track as far as routine goes. Work tonight, work tomorrow, wash, rinse, repeat. I'm on track with homework, but give me a week and that'll change.
Okay, now here's the part where this whole "diary" business serves its real purpose. Begin serious thoughts....NOW.
Simply put: My life as I'm living it right now is killing me. Of course, February is a historically shitty month for brain chemistry and I'm destined to spend such a time in a funk, but for the last few weeks I've been feeling so incredibly bad that I simply refuse to maintain my life in such a state. Something has to be done.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about what it is that makes me happy and what it is that will make me happy NOW, what the consequences of any actions I take in this direction might be, and how much I'm willing to throw away on the chance that I will never again have a month like the one I just had without at least some tragedy or another to justify it.
And yet, I'm still not sure. I think some of it is me just wanting to change myself. There are things I must alter if I'm going to be who I want to be, and there's really no way to it but just lacing up my boots and setting off down the appropriate path. Step One is finding out where that path starts and ends, and a good spot to hop on.
What's really getting to me lately is the incredibly urgent need to make severe life changes N to the O to the W NOW. A mild manifestation of this need is the urge I have to move out of this apartment for no reason other than that I've lived here too long already. A much stronger and often present manifestation is the painful yearning I have to move really really fucking far away. I feel like I'm suffocating here and somehow part of my brain is convinced that a large, anonymous city with endless opportunities for success or failure or if nothing else adventure is exactly what I need if I'm going to be happy. Now, if I could only put New York City in a climate similar to that of Southern California...
If you thought about reading the previous paragraphs and then convinced yourself that the last part of any piece of writing will inevitably sum it up for you, you were right. Let me try: I need to do something. Unfortunately, the force that is pushing me forward is very strong and very urgent, and wishes for me to move fast and in a direction that might be too much for other factors in my life to allow. The result is a lot of distraction in the form of soul searching when I should probably be "writing a paper" or "listening when people are talking to me" or whatever.
Damnit.
