September 24, 2002 - 1:58 pm
Wow, somehow lunch just threw me into a bad mood. I don' t know what it is, and more importantly, if it's justified. I mean, there were some things that made me twitch, like I knew they would, at least in some situations, make me annoyed, but my general malaise right now is not a direct result of anything anyone has done. I just feel poopy.
Let's talk about money for a moment. For example, I don't really have much. There are a number of reasons this sucks, but right now it sucks most because there are four birthdays in the next three weeks, and all are those of good friends. You see, whine as I will about being broke, there's something in me that will demand I just suck it up and spend if the alternative is (a) not giving someone a gift for a normal holiday (exception exist, but not many), or (b)making a big fuss over an amount I can live without (ex. I will keep on someone about the $400 they owe me, but not $50, even though it'll hurt to go without it. So basically, if it means complaining about an amount that I can go without and still make rent, I'll just shut up...but all in all, it doesn't help my situation. Today, at lunch, Stacey asked who was paying for her. Being her birthday, this made sense, but when no one grabbed for the bill, I did, and Mike made some joke about me covering both of them. Not that I woudln't buy lunch for my favorite Haney every day of the week, but I've been eating granola bars and plain bagels for the last 3 weeks while moneybags has just COMPLETELY one-upped me by giving Stacey a $300 digital camera (kinda beats my Bon Jovi wall clock, dontcha think?), and the bill wasn't $15 at Mr. Greeks, but $50 at Seva. Luckily Kim threw money at me for her bit, but since Mike never offered up his own loot, I just payed the bill to avoid nagging about it.
End result is not, though it may seem, an anger towards my dear friend, but instead a depression over my financial state. It's just a thing to be accepted: Haney has a lot of money, but for some reason Stacey and I cover his ass for lunch often. Of course, favors from Mike are often big ones (see above birthday present), so it evens out somewhere. For this reason, I know this isn't what put me into my mood. Suddenly, I've got this horrible "woe is me"-kinda, "can't a nigga get a break 'round here!?!" mood, like I'm just destined to be poor as shit until the day I die. What bothers me is that I NOTICED I picked up the bill, and that I have to worry about how to get my brakes fixed and how to afford a new jacket. I mean, fuckin' a man...I don't have lofty financial goals. I wouldn't go back to school to get a 2nd masters (wonder who I'm talking about now?) so that I could afford a "more enjoyable lifestyle", but I really hate worrying about money. It's too close to being poor again.
Wow...that was depressing. Clearly I need coffee.
