July 07, 2003 - 12:01 pm
What a week.
So many things that I depended on, that I thought were stable, regular pieces of my life have disappeared or are now unsure. My sense of security is shattered. I think a part of me is just downright afraid to be happy, because it�s been proven that life doesn�t have to give you fair warning before ripping your heart straight from your chest.
(Message from God: Hey, enough with the dramatic speech, Gothgirl!)
(Response from Megan: Sorry!)
This has been a week from hell. On top of the tragedy what was Monday evening (and the fine Irish wake that followed), I�ve had numerous other people call/write/etc about how their lives have fallen apart. Since Tuesday I�ve had 1 dramatic breakup, 3 cases of serious financial hardship, 1 suicide and god knows what else added to the list of reasons my friends are hurting. The various ways in which these problems affect me, compounded by the sheer number of people in need right now has been really heavy on me lately.
Every morning when I wake up, I�m happy for about two seconds, then reality hits me like a sack of bricks, and all I want to do is go back to sleep. I remember other times like this, and it�s nothing I should take lightly. Three years ago, it led to me losing 20 lbs in two months and working 60 hours a week. *considers* That might not be that bad�
Unfortunately, my way of dealing this week has been to shirk responsibility. I gave work the finger last week and took a four-day weekend. I also asked my homework to kindly fuck off for almost a week. In the end, I even went as far as to drop my lit class. Eh, fuck it, the teacher had an eye patch and did incomplete research before lecturing on a topic. So now it�s Monday again, and in accordance with yesterday�s entry in my daily planner (�Get your fucking life together!�) I�m at work and trying to be productive. I�m even talking to people over IM. Considering my outright violent protection of ME-time yesterday (a result of spending 6-straight days with the same people), this is an improvement.
Though this last week has actually led to seeing many of my friends much more often than usual (too often, even) and a lot of declarations of affection (for fear, methinks, or not appreciating what time we have left together), all of this has made me feel really lonely. What I feel I need right now is some warm and unconditional-like affection from those who aren't simultaneously leaning on me for support. So any of you out there enjoying your summer and who also happen to love me, spread the word. Give me a call, a hug, or just an nice message in the guestbook, I could use it.
One way or another, Megan spelled without an H is moving on. This last week has shaken me with many little earthquakes, some which, when combined, seem much more intense than they might have when isolated. If I can kick the apathy and the depression, I think I�ll be able to handle this like a trooper.
I�m your little soldier, Mike. I am.
Random: I'm officially declaring today shitting internet day.
Also, PLEASE check out "Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter." It's for your own good.
