October 13, 2003 - 12:26 pm
Sometimes I look at time as a series of friendships overlapping. If I look back to any given time, I'm always amused by who I was close with, who I wasn't, etc. As people move around, change jobs/careers/relationships/interests sometimes those you once saw every day become more and more rare, while new people enter your life.
Why am I thinking about this? Well, for a few reasons. Lately, I've been thinking about how I miss certain people, all for different reasons. Some of them are people I just don't see as much any more, and I miss times of shenanigans and videogames and barbecues and random time-consuming things that are worth every minute. Some of them are people that have moved away, and I miss them being so close and available and just "there". Some of them are people that have always necessitated some specific effort to keep them around, usually because of distance. There are a few for which that effort has just stopped, either on my side or theirs, people who used I used to talk to online every night while I did my homework, or who used to drive 2 1/2 hours to visit for concerts or sometimes just for pizza and TV.
Last night I had a dream that made me miss Dennys and OKGO shows. Right now I'm listening to this mixed CD of U2 songs and thinking of the summer after my sophomore year of high school, and insomnia, and hot dirt coffee with fudge in it.
Maybe it's just me becuase I've always been a sentimental, oversensitive sap...I don't know. I can't pretend I'm the victim here, since some of this is just circumstance, just growing up. There are too many people I just haven't tried hard enough with, people who email me but have to wait a month for a halfassed response, or who have every "what have you been up to?" met with a "I'm just too busy for anything"-kinda response. Sometimes I think of calling, or sending an email or an IM...and just don't. I don't have anything "worthwhile" to say, as if "Hello" isn't good enough.
So, to everyone with whom I've lost touch, those 99% of you will never read this: I'm sorry. And to all of those I care about: You are in my thoughts. I wish I could say that you know who you are, but the sad fact is that that might not be true. I have incredibly too many interpersonal efforts I tell myself DAILY that I SHOULD make, and don't. Instead, I continue, with slightly greater urgency, to remind myself the next day and the next. This is something I wish I would fix.
So in my continuous quest for self-improvement, this is the next item. We'll see how successful I am.
Step 1: Answer that damned email.
